The Dark Side of Forgiveness

We have a cultural preoccupation with forgiveness as a good thing in marriage, which indeed it is. For forgiveness reduces the motivations toward revenge and avoidance and creates an increase in the motivation to continue the relationship. Sometimes though we confuse forgiveness with thwarting justice. Thus, we actively (often unknowingly) block what would be a positive motivation for change. Instead we give room to spouses who are abusive to use forgiveness as a tool to control and dominate their partners.  

You see forgiveness is not allowing continuous perpetuation of the wrong with no consequences. It is good to note that there is a marked difference between patience and tolerance on the one hand, and an utter lack of consequences on the other.  

For those who are Christians the push to forgive is even greater. After all, is not that what salvation is all about? That Jesus died for us while we were yet sinners. The problem with this line of thought is that the tendency to express forgiveness may lead offenders to feel free to offend again when the consequences for their unwanted behaviour are removed. Thus, if you continue to forgive serial transgressions; your partner’s problematic behaviours become normalized and they are more likely to persist. In the case of abuse, the act of serial forgiveness may become a silent sanction for the partner’s toxic and abusive behaviour. This will end up in injuring both parties in the marriage relationship. We are witnesses to many people whose lives have been cut short because they hoped that thigs would change when in essence they were perpetuating the abusive behaviour.