Setting Healthy Boundaries
In my counselling practice, I have found out that many people have problems with boundary setting. Many do not even understand what boundaries are and so you find relationships that are so strenuous just because people are afraid of assertively state their stand in certain matters or issues. I am not sure whether this is a specific problem to Africa because of our cultural setting (where expressing one’s emotions is inappropriate, especially if you are a man) or a worldwide problem. Nevertheless, most of the interpersonal problems emanate from lack of clear boundaries in relationships. It is therefore essential that we understand the importance of setting healthy boundaries in our relationships for both our physical and emotional wellbeing. The earlier this is done in a relationship (whatever kind of relationship- romantic, parent-child, professional, casual or any other) the better. While setting and enforcing these personal rules may not always come easily or naturally, it will get easier with practice.
Lack of boundaries is likened to leaving the door to your home unlocked: anyone, including friends, foes, unwelcome guests, thieves and dogs can enter and leave at will. On the other hand, a person who always keeps others at a distance is said to have rigid boundaries, which can lead to isolation. Just like living in a locked-up castle surrounded by a moat; no one can get in, and you cannot get out. To have healthy boundaries
Boundaries include both physical as well as emotional. Physical boundaries include your body, personal space, and privacy. Violations include standing too close, inappropriate touching, even looking through your personal documents or your phone. Emotional boundaries involve separating your feelings from other people’s feelings. These boundaries are violated when you take responsibility for another’s feelings, letting another’s feelings dictate your own, sacrificing your own needs to please another, blaming others for your problems, and taking responsibility for theirs. As your boundaries are crossed and intruded (knowingly or unknowingly), feelings of insecurity and fear of disrespect set in. You get into a mode of hypervigilance, which can be quite exhausting.
Often people who lack boundaries have a high level of neediness. They are desperate for love and affection from others – usually at their own expense. Since they are afraid of rejection, they sacrifice their identity and remove their boundaries. Ironically, the lack of identity and boundaries make them unattractive to most people.
Having healthy boundaries show that we love and appreciate ourselves and care about how others treat us. After all, it is only you who know how you want people to treat you, informing them about it therefore, gives you peace of mind. Boundaries boost your self-esteem and reduce stress. When you have boundaries, it will be easy to know when someone crosses them. Red flags include, discomfort, resentment, stress, anxiety, guilt and fear.
Seven steps to healthy boundary setting
Self-knowledge – Know your beliefs and values or those things that are important to you. Your likes and dislike and how you generally want to be treated
Understand clearly, why you need the boundary and choose when to discuss those boundaries. There are boundaries that need to be spoken upfront for example your values and beliefs. Others you may wait and discuss as and when the time is right.
Make the boundaries clear – Be specific and direct about your boundaries. Do not be vague and cryptic, thinking that you are going to spare some feelings or avoid some conflicts. For example - “I love to talk to you but I do not like to pick calls after nine pm.” “Do not go through my phone messages. I feel violated when my privacy is disrespected.” “I love and respect you as my child but I will not allow you to talk to me in an abusive manner.” “I love you as my mother in law and you are welcome to our home but I am not comfortable when you come in without notice.” Ambiguous statements create misunderstandings and conflicts. For example - “Don’t spend a lot of money this month” or “Pick up the kids from school a few times a week.”
Us of “I” statements personalizes your boundaries. They help you to own your feelings and guards against the other party being defensive. Note that boundaries are not a personal attack.
Do not be apologetic or give long explanations for your boundaries. They are yours and if the other person does not like them, that is their problem
Know when to be assertive, but always be respectful. Keep your anger in control and do not set boundaries when you are emotionally unstable such as when you are angry or super excited.
Decide what will happen if your boundaries are violated. Communicate clearly and calmly and warn the person of the consequences of crossing them. If they continue then the consequences will apply. When there are no consequences then you really have not set boundaries. They are hopes, wishes, whining or complaining.
Start addressing violations early, don’t wait until someone has repeatedly violated your boundary before you speak up.